How do you live a life free of disappointment and resentment? It is really quite simple. Give people permission to be themselves. Yes, it is inevitable that a liar will lie to or on you. It is inescapable that a workaholic will choose the job over time with you. Understand that it is quite probable for a perfectionist to hone in on your faults. It is virtually unavoidable that a manipulator will get the best of you. It is not impossible to share a meaningful relationship with these types of people. Here's the key-
~ MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS~
If you choose to participate in human relationships you must learn to be an effective people manager. A manager is "a person who conducts business or household affairs". Every relationship you entertain is a complicated business deal. It is an exchange of goods and services or quite simply a "purposeful activity". Take a closer look at your most intimate relationships; family, lovers, and friends. Are you purposeful in these relationships? or Do you make casual investments in these persons with whom you claim to care about.
Remember that the "lie" is not the person. So, in essence reject the premise that you have a relationship with a "liar", but rather accept the idea that you have a relationship with someone who has an overwhelming sense of fear and a need for self preservation. This need is so great that as a tool of protection, one has learned that creating a persona greater than self is safer and more profitable than revealing truth. To manage your expectation, don't "doubt everything they say", but interrogate the intention. Be purposeful in discovering the "WHAT?" What persona do they wish to portray? What are they trying to protect, deflect, or reflect? Learning how to alleviate fear and create a positive connection is key to illuminate truth in safety.
Consider that the workaholic is not dismissive or uncaring. Refute the assumption that you have a relationship with someone who is "married to the job", but rather accept the idea that you have a relationship with someone who is distracted by ambition or a sense of inadequacy. The need to achieve greater or amass more is a tool to counteract the presumption of lack and need for independent security. It is not an indication that you are not important, but rather an indicator that social or romantic relationships are not important in the grand scheme of now. To mange your expectation, stay present! Refrain from forecasting or investing emotional energy into the future. Live and enjoy the now and you'll retain a high level of appreciation for the daily grind that may not include you.
Refrain from regarding the manipulator as just selfish and controlling. Your responsibility is to reframe the presumption that you have a relationship with someone who thrives off of getting over on others, but rather decide that you have a relationship with someone who battles with low confidence in their strengths and is expressing a need to be admired or appreciated. The desire to not only belong, but to be viewed as an influencer rather than a supporter can drive one to invest more time and energy into getting others to play their game rather than recognizing the influence gained through partnership. To manage your expectations, be purposeful in discovering clues of metacommunication. Is the manipulation a result of feeling out of control in other areas and needing to assert power over others? Is there a lack of appreciation that is being translated as a feeling of being unworthy? Help yourself find peace with the manipulator through purposeful unconditional positive regard. Always find a way to praise the manipulator to prove yourself as a safe alliance.
Be assured that when you experience disappointment, anger, sadness, or any negative emotion in the wake of a character flaw, the fault is in you. Just are you are imperfect, your emotions are imperfect, your reasonings are imperfect, your character is imperfect, and your interactions are imperfect. So, when you accept your flaws that are seen in others, you have grown into a great people manager!
Tawanda Scales, MMFT
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