TIME
Don’t think of time as just the space or moments spent with the other man or woman. Consider the time that was taken to establish a connection or reinforce a disconnection. If you are the victim of the affair, take a moment to reminisce about the signs you ignored. 
More than just the absence of accountability or the privacy of the rendezvous, opportunity refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that created the chance to cheat. It is often times difficult to see the break in communication, but if only for a milli-second, every behavior begins with a thought. From the heart’s falling in love to the mind’s ability to create a new space for a new attraction, this is not a single event, but a culmination of multiple injuries to pride, emotional safety, sexual attraction or reativity, and even intellectual charm.
Consider the times you rejected affection versus the times you welcomed advances as a mathematical ratio. For example, in the last month there were 20 advances, but only 3 were welcomed. If you only felt loved, attractive, or appreciated 15% of the time how full would your “Love Tank” be? If you received 15% of your paycheck at the end of the pay period, would you continue to give 100% or would you find a side job? Life is challenging, busy, and sometimes overwhelming, but never get too busy to be available and responsive to your mate. Lest you create the opportunity for a part time love.
MOTIVATION
Why do people cheat? Contrary to popular opinion, the general population of monogamous relationships are practiced by people who believe in the concept of being faithful to one person. When an affair or infidelity has occurred, many will argue that the individual is “selfish”. I would suggest that the individual is “on empty”. When engaged in a committed relationship there are times when the drifting of daily life and struggles causes an emotional stalemate that is bound to be refilled. Maybe they escape and spend more time with friends, some may turn to food for comfort, others find satisfaction planting in front of the television and shutting down,while some will fill their motivation to connect and fulfill their passion with the physical love of another. Needless to say sometimes the affair is just about sex. It’s not personal and it’s not about affection, love or trust.
So, let’s understand the things that motivate you. You go to work for the paycheck and the ability to pay your bills. You spend time cooking to satisfy your hunger. You date to find your ‘Happily Ever After’. Nothing that you invest time, energy, or sacrifice is expected to have little to no return. Examine the amount of energy you put into your relationship. Are you stuck in the routine of being together? When do your show or feel appreciated? Consider the time you invest into your mate. Do you just assume they are happy? Is the relationship stale and predictable? Now, remember your ‘Happily Ever After’. Are you living that reality? What’s missing? Use these very internal examinations to see what motivates your mate to making love more than just a notion.
OPPORTUNITYYes, it a easier to concentrate your frustration and anger on the partner who cheated. But if you want to salvage the relationship/marriage or even create a safety net for your next relationship, you have to own your sh*t! Where did we lose the connection that made us want to spend all of our days and night gazing into one another’s eyes and laying in each other’s arms? You remember, the fallling in love phase. When did we stop feeling like the world revolved around one another? Was it the promotion at work? The children? Think about it. Now own it. Never believe that although injured, you had no part to play.
More than just the absence of accountability or the privacy of the rendezvous, opportunity refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that created the chance to cheat. It is often times difficult to see the break in communication, but if only for a milli-second, every behavior begins with a thought. From the heart’s falling in love to the mind’s ability to create a new space for a new attraction, this is not a single event, but a culmination of multiple injuries to pride, emotional safety, sexual attraction or reativity, and even intellectual charm.
Consider the times you rejected affection versus the times you welcomed advances as a mathematical ratio. For example, in the last month there were 20 advances, but only 3 were welcomed. If you only felt loved, attractive, or appreciated 15% of the time how full would your “Love Tank” be? If you received 15% of your paycheck at the end of the pay period, would you continue to give 100% or would you find a side job? Life is challenging, busy, and sometimes overwhelming, but never get too busy to be available and responsive to your mate. Lest you create the opportunity for a part time love.
MOTIVATION
Why do people cheat? Contrary to popular opinion, the general population of monogamous relationships are practiced by people who believe in the concept of being faithful to one person. When an affair or infidelity has occurred, many will argue that the individual is “selfish”. I would suggest that the individual is “on empty”. When engaged in a committed relationship there are times when the drifting of daily life and struggles causes an emotional stalemate that is bound to be refilled. Maybe they escape and spend more time with friends, some may turn to food for comfort, others find satisfaction planting in front of the television and shutting down,while some will fill their motivation to connect and fulfill their passion with the physical love of another. Needless to say sometimes the affair is just about sex. It’s not personal and it’s not about affection, love or trust.
Tawanda Scales, MMFT
Certified Life Coach
Tawanda@mochachat.club
(770) 240-0161
No comments:
Post a Comment