Mocha Chat: Bullying Does Not Cause Suicide

Suicide Sucks

It is a popular reframe across social media, news media, and the many cries from society in response to a communal loss. When there is a suicide of an adolescent, it is especially highlighted by those looking to "make sense" of such a timeless tragedy. Although it makes for a heart-felt plea, it is important that we do not promote a pseudo causal relationship between bullying and suicide.

Suicide is a complicated behavior that is not caused by any one thing. I often refer to suicide being the perfect storm. It leaves a path of destruction that affects an ongoing ripple of family, friends, acquaintances and foes. Suicide touches the entire community in a way that no other tragedy can. I usually use the illustration of an iceberg to explain how suicide emerges.

As you can see the most dangerous part of the iceberg is what is not seen. Just as in a suicide attempt or completed suicide. It is the emotional and psychological turmoil that is ignored or unnoticed that is the most dangerous.Through conducting Psychological Autopsies, we find that there are generally multiple "warning signs" that someone is considering suicide. Contrary to popular belief, it is rarely a "spur of the moment" or "impulsive" act and there are often "invitations" for help that are ignored or minimized.

Bullying is not a new phenomenon and giving it license to steal the lives of our young people is unwise. Goliath was a bully. Henry VIII was a bully. Bluto was a bully. Our lives are steeped with a rich history of playground and school yard bullies with good examples of how to confront and defeat them. What's different now? What can we attribute to the rise in incidences of bullying?

Might I suggest that we are raising a generation of young people that are so sheltered by their parents and electronic gadgets that they lack advanced problem-solving and/or coping strategies. One of the greatest benefits of being required to play outside for entertainment was learning how to get along with various personalities. Playing outside in the neighborhood, you learned negotiating (playing 4 Square), winning influence with others (playing school and church), accountability to your word (playing hide and go seek), and how to not back down (paying King of the Hill). You were forced to look an adversary in the eye and stand your ground. In an age where adults hide behind computer screens and spew the most despicable and utterly offensive thoughts, why do we expect more out of a generation of people who have yet to develop their superego or self-critical conscience?

As illustrated below, the suicide event is just the tip of the iceberg. The key is to identify the danger that lies beneath to thwart an attempt. Researchers say that the average person will have had 4 suicide attempts before suicide is completed. Think about that for a moment.

How do we stop the suicide epidemic that is infiltrating our community? Here's a start:

If you don't know the warning signs, create a safe space for your child to talk to you.

Don't be afraid to ask the suicide question. If someone is not considering suicide, you cannot "plant" the idea in their head. Simply ask:

"Are you thinking about killing yourself?"

"Do you feel like you want to die?"

"Do you wish you were dead or do you wish this pain (situation) would end?"

If you cannot ask the suicide question, find someone who will!

Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Saying a child was "Bullied to Death" is a horrible deflection from the systemic risk factors of suicide. To be quite honest, we all have numerous factors in life that makes us vulnerable to suicide. However, we are saved by protective factors that make our desire to live far outweigh our desire to end our pain. According to the CDC, "Youth who report both bullying others and being bullied have the highest risk for suicide-related behavior of any group that report involvement with bullying." Take an active role in saving the lives of our children. Talk to them. Teach them to engage in conflict. Allow them to face consequences. Dare them to be stronger than their adversaries. GET INVOLVED. Turn off the television. Shut down social media daily to allow time to reconnect with family. Do not allow your child to be a "soft target". If they are to be picked on, make the bully work for it and they will lose interest. Build a community of hope around your child.

Abandon the "me and mine" syndrome. It is robbing our communities and killing our children.