The celibacy “talk” is a literal turnstile in the adult dating world. For some it is a badge of honor and grace. To others a menacing stop light with no reward in sight. However, to some it serves as a mere deterrent for the seeker of casual sex. Knowing the difference is key!
Celibacy has three uses according to Webster’s Dictionary.
1. The state of not being married
2. a: Abstention from sexual intercourse
b: Abstention by vow from marriage
We live in a society where vocabulary is not a shared skill set. So, let’s examine the misunderstanding that incurs when someone says, “I’m celibate.” If one was to look in the dictionary, the primary definition speaks of being unmarried. Well, if you are on a date and declare that you are celibate, then you are in the right place. Most people will accept the primary definition and rarely explore others. Notice, 2 of the 3 uses refer to being unmarried.
Now, it is my understanding when most women say they are practicing celibacy, they are indeed referring to the “abstention from sexual intercourse”. This simply means, they have chosen not to have sex. It is a calculated decision. It does not necessarily speak to a deep conviction or a spiritual mandate when you herald the decree that you are celibate. So, what are they trying to communicate? Ladies: Don't be offended at an inquiry when your lifestyle of resolve is vacillating. If you can only abstain from chocolate or caffeine for a period of time, it stands to reason that your resolve to abstain from sex is time limited as well. It is imperative that you lead with the true you rather than the fantasy you, who tends to serve as a barrier to making successful connections.
Frequent falling from the celibacy wagon is an indicator. Recognize it!
It is generally unacceptable for women to have an excessive number of sexual partners. On the contrary, it is highly desirable for a woman to have an excessive number of sexual encounters. But I digress. It is common for a woman to settle on celibacy in the effort to maintain the guise of being a “lady”. Fellas do not be alarmed and certainly do not shut down when you hear that your date is choosing to abstain from sex. Don’t allow the conversation to lull, but launch into a preemptive strategy by asking probing questions.
Honestly speaking, many women will find it challenging to put words to the idea of being celibate. As many are no longer virgins and intermittently succumb to the visceral need for intimacy and sexual satisfaction, many are indeed only passively practicing celibacy. Don’t be afraid to push the conversation past the surface, to truly explore the “plan for celibacy” and discover the length of the journey. It will speak louder than the term itself.
The Celibacy Plan: What You Should Know Before You Walk Away
How long have you been celibate?
The duration of abstention will expose the level of commitment and the goal. This is an exploratory question that can help ground your emotional rejection to the word celibacy.
What is the goal of your celibacy?
Knowing if the personalize goal of celibacy is to abstain until marriage or to reduce sexual partners is monumental in framing the direction of a potential relationship.
What prompted your decision to become celibate?
Weighing the decision to abstain from sex is a major decision. However, understanding if that decision was one made of personal guilt because of historical promiscuity versus a sense of sabotaging marriage proposals, is data that can change the trajectory of a potential connection.
So, think of “celibacy” as the flashing yellow light. It simply says:
-
Slow down: Get to know me.
Proceed with caution: Establish a healthy connection.
Yield to the right of way: Wait, you can get it!
If you are practicing celibacy and struggle to commit to abstaining from other pleasures in your life, don't become offended when your celibacy is questioned. It's a indicator of interest, a tool of engagement, and a signal to check your lifestyle. Your struggle often speaks louder than your conviction.
Tawanda Scales, MMFT
amkacounseling@gmail.com
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