Loving YOU is not EASY

ANNOUNCEMENT: You are so complicated that you have a hard time loving yourself. Why do you expect others to love you unconditionally?

It has become an over exercised entitlement that we expect others to excuse the complexities of being in relationship with us. In life and love, we exert the right to have flaws, to grow and change, and react when our emotions are  triggered. What we fail to do is consider and compensate for the effect that our freedom of self exploration has on those that have the courage to try to learn us and love us. Yes, it is indeed our right to be. However, it is our responsibility to mitigate and compensate for how our “being” is perceived by those we desire to be in business, relationship and partnership with.

RIGHT: You have flaws.                                  
RESPONSIBILITY: Manage the impact your flaws have on the people who dare to embrace your defects. Being human is not an excuse from the consequences of your imperfections and weakness.
REACTION: Take action to recognize how your weaknesses force others to over perform or wound them into retreat. Be intentional about time of reflecting on how others’ behaviors compliment or contradict yours. Be direct. Confront self before others.

Emotions are not just for others, pay attention.

RIGHT: Growth brings change.
RESPONSIBILITY: Identify areas of growth as opportunities for anxiety and stress to impede the progress of relationships. Your change is yours alone and may cause a disruption in your “people-awareness”.
REACTION: Stay connected by checking the climate of change and tolerance of change. If everyone is left behind, your morphing may be a sign of a needed realignment of interpersonal values.

RIGHT: Experience emotions fully.
RESPONSIBILITY: Recognize emotions as key indicators of internalized data. Since they are completely subjective, emotions can be misinterpreted by others who do not share the history, perspective, or coping strategies that may intensify the experienced emotion.
REACTION: Do not allow emotions to rule and lead when relating to others. Practice engaging at different levels of emotionality through using “I” statements. Example: “I feel suspicious (anxious) when I don’t get a response to my text messages. My mind goes to the worst case scenario (fear-based) and I can’t help but think I am being ignored (negative self-talk).” This will help to preview the foundation of the emotion and help to counteract.

Those who are trying to love you, have to battle these RIGHTS often without understanding the fight. Through opening an honest discourse of how our lives intercept and giving others permission to react based on information communicated rather than inferred, we open ourselves to establish meaningful, responsible connections. Be careful not to over-estimate your value or level of “need” in any given relationship. Often people who go through the trouble of knowing you past the falling in love or love by entitlement (family), only “need” you to the level that they value their own self-worth, peaceful resolution, and desired outcomes.

                   
       In essence, when loving you is hurting me, you are no longer necessary.

                                              LOVING you is not EASY!

                                                               
                                                     Tawanda Scales, MMFT
                                                         Certified Life Coach
                                                     Tawanda@mochachat.club
                                                              (770) 240-0161
                                         

Cheating is Not THE Problem!

Yes, it is certain that having an extra marital affair is a choice. No one should argue that. But rest assured that an affair is only one symptom of a relationship or marriage that is in serious trouble. Believe it or not, people don’t generally wake up one day and decide to have sex with a coworker. There is time, opportunity, and motivation for an affair to take place. Let’s talk about cheating!

TIME

Don’t think of time as just the space or moments spent with the other man or woman. Consider the time that was taken to establish a connection or reinforce a disconnection. If you are the victim of the affair, take a moment to reminisce about the signs you ignored.

Yes, it a easier to concentrate your frustration and anger on the partner who cheated. But if you want to salvage the relationship/marriage or even create a safety net for your next relationship, you have to own your sh*t! Where did we lose the connection that made us want to spend all of our days and night gazing into one another’s eyes and laying in each other’s arms? You remember, the fallling in love phase. When did we stop feeling like the world revolved around one another? Was it the promotion at work? The children? Think about it. Now own it. Never believe that although injured, you had no part to play.

OPPORTUNITY
More than just the absence of accountability or the privacy of the rendezvous, opportunity refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that created the chance to cheat. It is often times difficult to see the break in communication, but if only for a milli-second, every behavior begins with a thought. From the heart’s falling in love to the mind’s ability to create a new space for a new attraction, this is not a single event, but a culmination of multiple injuries to pride, emotional safety, sexual attraction or reativity, and even intellectual charm.

Consider the times you rejected affection versus the times you welcomed advances as a mathematical ratio. For example, in the last month there were 20 advances, but only 3 were welcomed. If you only felt loved, attractive, or appreciated 15% of the time how full would your “Love Tank” be? If you received 15% of your paycheck at the end of the pay period, would you continue to give 100% or would you find a side job? Life is challenging, busy, and sometimes overwhelming, but never get too busy to be available and responsive to your mate. Lest you create the opportunity for a part time love.

MOTIVATION
Why do people cheat? Contrary to popular opinion, the general population of monogamous relationships are practiced by people who believe in the concept of being faithful to one person. When an affair or infidelity has occurred, many will argue that the individual is “selfish”. I would suggest that the individual is “on empty”. When engaged in a committed relationship there are times when the drifting of daily life and struggles causes an emotional stalemate that is bound to be refilled. Maybe they escape and spend more time with friends, some may turn to food for comfort, others find satisfaction planting in front of the television and shutting down,while some will fill their motivation to connect and fulfill their passion with the physical love of another. Needless to say sometimes the affair is just about sex. It’s not personal and it’s not about affection, love or trust.

So, let’s understand the things that motivate you. You go to work for the paycheck and the ability to pay your bills. You spend time cooking to satisfy your hunger. You date to find your ‘Happily Ever After’. Nothing that you invest time, energy, or sacrifice is expected to have little to no return. Examine the amount of energy you put into your relationship. Are you stuck in the routine of being together? When do your show or feel appreciated? Consider the time you invest into your mate. Do you just assume they are happy? Is the relationship stale and predictable? Now, remember your ‘Happily Ever After’. Are you living that reality? What’s missing? Use these very internal examinations to see what motivates your mate to making love more than just a notion.

Tawanda Scales, MMFT

Certified Life Coach

Tawanda@mochachat.club

(770) 240-0161

Bullying Does Not Cause Suicide

Suicide Sucks

It is a popular reframe across social media, news media, and the many cries from society in response to a communal loss. When there is a suicide of an adolescent, it is especially highlighted by those looking to "make sense" of such a timeless tragedy. Although it makes for a heart-felt plea, it is important that we do not promote a pseudo causal relationship between bullying and suicide.

Suicide is a complicated behavior that is not caused by any one thing. I often refer to suicide being the perfect storm. It leaves a path of destruction that affects an ongoing ripple of family, friends, acquaintances and foes. Suicide touches the entire community in a way that no other tragedy can. I usually use the illustration of an iceberg to explain how suicide emerges.

 

 

As you can see the most dangerous part of the iceberg is what is not seen. Just as in a suicide attempt or completed suicide. It is the emotional and psychological turmoil that is ignored or unnoticed that is the most dangerous.Through conducting Psychological Autopsies, we find that there are generally multiple "warning signs" that someone is considering suicide. Contrary to popular belief, it is rarely a "spur of the moment" or "impulsive" act and there are often "invitations" for help that are ignored or minimized.

Bullying is not a new phenomenon and giving it license to steal the lives of our young people is unwise. Goliath was a bully. Henry VIII was a bully. Bluto was a bully. Our lives are steeped with a rich history of playground and school yard bullies with good examples of how to confront and defeat them. What's different now? What can we attribute to the rise in incidences of bullying?

Might I suggest that we are raising a generation of young people that are so sheltered by their parents and electronic gadgets that they lack advanced problem-solving and/or coping strategies. One of the greatest benefits of being required to play outside for entertainment was learning how to get along with various personalities. Playing outside in the neighborhood, you learned negotiating (playing 4 Square), winning influence with others (playing school and church), accountability to your word (playing hide and go seek), and how to not back down (paying King of the Hill). You were forced to look an adversary in the eye and stand your ground. In an age where adults hide behind computer screens and spew the most despicable and utterly offensive thoughts, why do we expect more out of a generation of people who have yet to develop their superego or self-critical conscience?

As illustrated below, the suicide event is just the tip of the iceberg. The key is to identify the danger that lies beneath to thwart an attempt. Researchers say that the average person will have had 4 suicide attempts before suicide is completed. Think about that for a moment.

How do we stop the suicide epidemic that is infiltrating our community? Here's a start:

If you don't know the warning signs, create a safe space for your child to talk to you.

Don't be afraid to ask the suicide question. If someone is not considering suicide, you cannot "plant" the idea in their head. Simply ask:

"Are you thinking about killing yourself?" 

"Do you feel like you want to die?"

"Do you wish you were dead or do you wish this pain (situation) would end?"

If you cannot ask the suicide question, find someone who will!

Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Saying a child was "Bullied to Death" is a horrible deflection from the systemic risk factors of suicide. To be quite honest, we all have numerous factors in life that makes us vulnerable to suicide. However, we are saved by protective factors that make our desire to live far outweigh our desire to end our pain. According to the CDC, "Youth who report both bullying others and being bullied have the highest risk for suicide-related behavior of any group that report involvement with bullying." Take an active role in saving the lives of our children. Talk to them. Teach them to engage in conflict. Allow them to face consequences. Dare them to be stronger than their adversaries. GET INVOLVED. Turn off the television. Shut down social media daily to allow time to reconnect with family. Do not allow your child to be a "soft target". If they are to be picked on, make the bully work for it and they will lose interest. Build a community of hope around your child.

Abandon the "me and mine" syndrome. It is robbing our communities and killing our children.

 

Tawanda Scales, MMFT

Certified Life Coach, Suicide Prevention Trainer

Postvention Specialist

amkacounseling@gmail.com

Manage Your Expectations!

How do you live a life free of disappointment and resentment? It is really quite simple. Give people permission to be themselves. Yes, it is inevitable that a liar will lie to or on you. It is inescapable that a workaholic will choose the job over time with you. Understand that it is quite probable for a perfectionist to hone in on your faults. It is virtually unavoidable that a manipulator will get the best of you. It is not impossible to share a meaningful relationship with these types of people. Here's the key-
                                         ~ MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS~

If you choose to participate in human relationships you must learn to be an effective people manager. A manager is "a person who conducts business or household affairs". Every relationship you entertain is a complicated business deal. It is an exchange of goods and services or quite simply a "purposeful activity". Take a closer look at your most intimate relationships; family, lovers, and friends. Are you purposeful in these relationships? or Do you make casual investments in these persons with whom you claim to care about.

When you become purposeful in the interactions and investments you make into people and relationships, your days of utter disappointment in the failures of humanity will soon dissipate. It becomes second nature to show understanding and acceptance when character flaws threaten reciprocity or relationship satisfaction. In your intentionality, you will learn to manage person-roles in relationships. Be conscious to separate the person from the role and you will consistently win the art of perfected relationships with imperfect people! Here are some expectation transitions that will help you live in peace with flawed characters.

Remember that the "lie" is not the person. So, in essence reject the premise that you have a relationship with a "liar", but rather accept the idea that you have a relationship with someone who has an overwhelming sense of fear and a need for self preservation. This need is so great that as a tool of protection, one has learned that creating a persona greater than self is safer and more profitable than revealing truth. To manage your expectation, don't "doubt everything they say", but interrogate the intention. Be purposeful in discovering the "WHAT?" What persona do they wish to portray? What are they trying to protect, deflect, or reflect? Learning how to alleviate fear and create a positive connection is key to illuminate truth in safety.

Consider that the workaholic is not dismissive or uncaring. Refute the assumption that you have a relationship with someone who is "married to the job", but rather accept the idea that you have a relationship with someone who is distracted by ambition or a sense of inadequacy. The need to achieve greater or amass more is a tool to counteract the presumption of lack and need for independent security. It is not an indication that you are not important, but rather an indicator that social or romantic relationships are not important in the grand scheme of now. To mange your expectation, stay present! Refrain from forecasting or investing emotional energy into the future. Live and enjoy the now and you'll retain a high level of appreciation for the daily grind that may not include you.

Refrain from regarding the manipulator as just selfish and controlling. Your responsibility is to reframe the presumption that you have a relationship with someone who thrives off of getting over on others, but rather decide that you have a relationship with someone who battles with low confidence in their strengths and is expressing a need to be admired or appreciated. The desire to not only belong, but to be viewed as an influencer rather than a supporter can drive one to invest more time and energy into getting others to play their game rather than recognizing the influence gained through partnership. To manage your expectations, be purposeful in discovering clues of metacommunication. Is the manipulation a result of feeling out of control in other areas and needing to assert power over others? Is there a lack of appreciation that is being translated as a feeling of being unworthy? Help yourself find peace with the manipulator through purposeful unconditional positive regard. Always find a way to praise the manipulator to prove yourself as a safe alliance.

Be assured that when you experience disappointment, anger, sadness, or any negative emotion in the wake of a character flaw, the fault is in you. Just are you are imperfect, your emotions are imperfect, your reasonings are imperfect, your character is imperfect, and your interactions are imperfect. So, when you accept your flaws that are seen in others, you have grown into a great people manager!

Tawanda Scales, MMFT

amkacounseling@gmail.com

Celibacy? Stop it!

 
The celibacy “talk” is a literal turnstile in the adult dating world. For some it is a badge of honor and grace. To others a menacing stop light with no reward in sight. However, to some it serves as a mere deterrent for the seeker of casual sex. Knowing the difference is key!

Celibacy has three uses according to Webster’s Dictionary. 

1. The state of not being married
2.  a: Abstention from sexual intercourse 
     b: Abstention by vow from marriage

We live in a society where vocabulary is not a shared skill set. So, let’s examine the misunderstanding that incurs when someone says, “I’m celibate.” If one was to look in the dictionary, the primary definition speaks of being unmarried. Well, if you are on a date and declare that you are celibate, then you are in the right place. Most people will accept the primary definition and rarely explore others. Notice, 2 of the 3 uses refer to being unmarried. 

Now, it is my understanding when most women say they are practicing celibacy, they are indeed referring to the “abstention from sexual intercourse”. This simply means, they have chosen not to have sex. It is a calculated decision. It does not necessarily speak to a deep conviction or a spiritual mandate when you herald the decree that you are celibate. So, what are they trying to communicate? Ladies: Don't be offended at an inquiry when your lifestyle of resolve is vacillating. If you can only abstain from chocolate or caffeine for a period of time, it stands to reason that your resolve to abstain from sex is time limited as well. It is imperative that you lead with the true you rather than the fantasy you, who tends to serve as a barrier to making successful connections.

        Frequent falling from the celibacy wagon is an indicator. Recognize it!

It is generally unacceptable for women to have an excessive number of sexual partners. On the contrary, it is highly desirable for a woman to have an excessive number of sexual encounters. But I digress. It is common for a woman to settle on celibacy in the effort to maintain the guise of being a “lady”. Fellas do not be alarmed and certainly do not shut down when you hear that your date is choosing to abstain from sex. Don’t allow the conversation to lull, but launch into a preemptive strategy by asking probing questions. 

Honestly speaking, many women will find it challenging to put words to the idea of being celibate. As many are no longer virgins and intermittently succumb to the visceral need for intimacy and sexual satisfaction, many are indeed only passively practicing celibacy. Don’t be afraid to push the conversation past the surface, to truly explore the “plan for celibacy” and discover the length of the journey. It will speak louder than the term itself. 

The Celibacy Plan: What You Should Know Before You Walk Away

How long have you been celibate?
The duration of abstention will expose the level of commitment and the goal. This is an exploratory question that can help ground your emotional rejection to the word celibacy. 

What is the goal of your celibacy?
Knowing if the personalize goal of celibacy is to abstain until marriage or to reduce sexual partners is monumental in framing the direction of a potential relationship.

What prompted your decision to become celibate?
Weighing the decision to abstain from sex is a major decision. However, understanding if that decision was one made of personal guilt because of historical promiscuity versus a sense of sabotaging marriage proposals, is data that can change the trajectory of a potential connection. 

So, think of “celibacy” as the flashing yellow light. It simply says:

Slow down: Get to know me.

Proceed with caution: Establish a healthy connection.


Yield to the right of way: Wait, you can get it!


If you are practicing celibacy and struggle to commit to abstaining from other pleasures in your life, don't become offended when your celibacy is questioned. It's a indicator of interest, a tool of engagement, and a signal to check your lifestyle. Your struggle often speaks louder than your conviction.

 
                                                   Tawanda Scales, MMFT
                                                amkacounseling@gmail.com

Dating is not easy. Let’s agree on that.

It is a complicated clash of time, effort, emotions, mindset, and numerous other factors which when aligned properly yields a fulfilling love relationship. During the weeks, months, and years of courting, there are times when the dynamic that emerges is one of relentless pursuit followed by devastating distancing. It is a challenging relationship fueled by hopes for future commitment and the inner turmoil of “losing” on your investment of time, energy, and money. Callling an end to a relationship such as this one, feels like a loss even when there is a lack of intimacy, passion, and commitment. The vacillating nature of the connection tends to leave more questions than answers and more longing than fulfillment. So, how do you recognize signs that you are simp ly an insignificant piece of a large puzzle?

THE DISTANCER

Driven by being pursued, the Distancer creates the illusion of interest by intermittently drawing on the need for closeness when sensing disinterest from their mate. However, the more they are pursued, they more they need to create distance within the relationship. It is the Distancer that drives relationships to nil by pursuing a loving, affectionate connection and suddenly withdrawing communication or minimizing the emotional connection. The Distancer will create intermittent opportunities for closeness by massaging emotional ties while in pursuit. This Individual will inadvertently set the tone for the relationship by choosing a partner that has an overwhelming need to find security in closeness. There is no mistake that when you have been “chosen” by a Distancer, your portrayal of relating in a love relationship is one of commitment through desperation to “makpe things work”. It is this quality that the Distancer admires and desires as they may be groomed to wait on the return on their investment.

THE PURSUER

Driven by an overwhelming need for closeness, the Pursuer expresses a relentless admiration for their mate. They are grounded in commitment and the desire to generate love and affection through being present. It is a basal need of the Pursuer to understand their mate as they will seek to make the proper adjustments to attract the attention of the Distancer in hopes of gaining traction in the relationship. The Pursuer will generally accept

numerous “folllies” of the Distancer citing the importance of understanding the “Why” that drives their mate. The Pursuer enjoys the emotional high of being “in love”. They share their need for closeness through their understanding and forgiving nature. When the Pursuer is exhausted with the pursuit, they tend to give out before giving up. The Pursuer will typically, internalize their displeasure in the hopes of the turn around of their partner. They tend to find blame with self as to why the Distancer “chooses” to withhold communication or affection. This Individual will rarely find fault with the Distancer. They will ask “Why did I...” questions before posing “Why did they...” questions.

ARE YOU HOOKED?

Do you recognize these challenges in your relationship? Do you find yourself fighting for closeness to only feel pushed away? Could it be that you have established a relationship pattern that mimics the Distancer-Pursuer interaction. The more you pursue the more they will distance, but you cannot walk away. You may be hooked.

This dysfunctional relationship dynamic can be emotionally abusive to the Pursuer. However, it can be empowering for the Distancer. When the Pursuer begins to fall away and create distance, the Distancer will return in pursuit. Since this will temporarily fulfill the need the Pursuer has for closeness, this is the dreaded hook. It is just enough attention and affection to keep the Pursuer engaged and emotionally unstable in the relationship. Notice this “pulling in” is temporary and self-serving. It is certainly not intended to meet the emotional need of the Pursuer, but rather strictly to meet the positional need of the Distancer. It’s the “Don’t go to far, I may need you” syndrome. The Distancer has a subconscious fear of losing the admiration of the Pursuer gives and innately draws on their need for closeness to maintain the connection when it is convenient or profitable.

RELEASE THE HOOK AND RECLAIM YOUR POWER

Step 1: Identify the dysfunctional relational pattern.
Step 2: Explore the devices that draw you back into the relationship.
Step 3: Self-reflect. Is the joy of closness greater than the discomfort of distance?
Step 4: Talk to your partner regarding your role in the interaction and your emotional displeasure.
Step 5: Make a decision together to address the dysfunction or actively change the relationship status.

If you discover that you are hooked, own your contribution to the pattern and make an active decision to change it. You deserve the pleasure found only in the reciprocity of a healthy love.

                                            Tawanda Scales, MMFT

                                         amkacounseling@gmail.com