Manage Your Expectations!

How do you live a life free of disappointment and resentment? It is really quite simple. Give people permission to be themselves. Yes, it is inevitable that a liar will lie to or on you. It is inescapable that a workaholic will choose the job over time with you. Understand that it is quite probable for a perfectionist to hone in on your faults. It is virtually unavoidable that a manipulator will get the best of you. It is not impossible to share a meaningful relationship with these types of people. Here's the key-
                                         ~ MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS~

If you choose to participate in human relationships you must learn to be an effective people manager. A manager is "a person who conducts business or household affairs". Every relationship you entertain is a complicated business deal. It is an exchange of goods and services or quite simply a "purposeful activity". Take a closer look at your most intimate relationships; family, lovers, and friends. Are you purposeful in these relationships? or Do you make casual investments in these persons with whom you claim to care about.

When you become purposeful in the interactions and investments you make into people and relationships, your days of utter disappointment in the failures of humanity will soon dissipate. It becomes second nature to show understanding and acceptance when character flaws threaten reciprocity or relationship satisfaction. In your intentionality, you will learn to manage person-roles in relationships. Be conscious to separate the person from the role and you will consistently win the art of perfected relationships with imperfect people! Here are some expectation transitions that will help you live in peace with flawed characters.

Remember that the "lie" is not the person. So, in essence reject the premise that you have a relationship with a "liar", but rather accept the idea that you have a relationship with someone who has an overwhelming sense of fear and a need for self preservation. This need is so great that as a tool of protection, one has learned that creating a persona greater than self is safer and more profitable than revealing truth. To manage your expectation, don't "doubt everything they say", but interrogate the intention. Be purposeful in discovering the "WHAT?" What persona do they wish to portray? What are they trying to protect, deflect, or reflect? Learning how to alleviate fear and create a positive connection is key to illuminate truth in safety.

Consider that the workaholic is not dismissive or uncaring. Refute the assumption that you have a relationship with someone who is "married to the job", but rather accept the idea that you have a relationship with someone who is distracted by ambition or a sense of inadequacy. The need to achieve greater or amass more is a tool to counteract the presumption of lack and need for independent security. It is not an indication that you are not important, but rather an indicator that social or romantic relationships are not important in the grand scheme of now. To mange your expectation, stay present! Refrain from forecasting or investing emotional energy into the future. Live and enjoy the now and you'll retain a high level of appreciation for the daily grind that may not include you.

Refrain from regarding the manipulator as just selfish and controlling. Your responsibility is to reframe the presumption that you have a relationship with someone who thrives off of getting over on others, but rather decide that you have a relationship with someone who battles with low confidence in their strengths and is expressing a need to be admired or appreciated. The desire to not only belong, but to be viewed as an influencer rather than a supporter can drive one to invest more time and energy into getting others to play their game rather than recognizing the influence gained through partnership. To manage your expectations, be purposeful in discovering clues of metacommunication. Is the manipulation a result of feeling out of control in other areas and needing to assert power over others? Is there a lack of appreciation that is being translated as a feeling of being unworthy? Help yourself find peace with the manipulator through purposeful unconditional positive regard. Always find a way to praise the manipulator to prove yourself as a safe alliance.

Be assured that when you experience disappointment, anger, sadness, or any negative emotion in the wake of a character flaw, the fault is in you. Just are you are imperfect, your emotions are imperfect, your reasonings are imperfect, your character is imperfect, and your interactions are imperfect. So, when you accept your flaws that are seen in others, you have grown into a great people manager!

Tawanda Scales, MMFT

amkacounseling@gmail.com

Celibacy? Stop it!

 
The celibacy “talk” is a literal turnstile in the adult dating world. For some it is a badge of honor and grace. To others a menacing stop light with no reward in sight. However, to some it serves as a mere deterrent for the seeker of casual sex. Knowing the difference is key!

Celibacy has three uses according to Webster’s Dictionary. 

1. The state of not being married
2.  a: Abstention from sexual intercourse 
     b: Abstention by vow from marriage

We live in a society where vocabulary is not a shared skill set. So, let’s examine the misunderstanding that incurs when someone says, “I’m celibate.” If one was to look in the dictionary, the primary definition speaks of being unmarried. Well, if you are on a date and declare that you are celibate, then you are in the right place. Most people will accept the primary definition and rarely explore others. Notice, 2 of the 3 uses refer to being unmarried. 

Now, it is my understanding when most women say they are practicing celibacy, they are indeed referring to the “abstention from sexual intercourse”. This simply means, they have chosen not to have sex. It is a calculated decision. It does not necessarily speak to a deep conviction or a spiritual mandate when you herald the decree that you are celibate. So, what are they trying to communicate? Ladies: Don't be offended at an inquiry when your lifestyle of resolve is vacillating. If you can only abstain from chocolate or caffeine for a period of time, it stands to reason that your resolve to abstain from sex is time limited as well. It is imperative that you lead with the true you rather than the fantasy you, who tends to serve as a barrier to making successful connections.

        Frequent falling from the celibacy wagon is an indicator. Recognize it!

It is generally unacceptable for women to have an excessive number of sexual partners. On the contrary, it is highly desirable for a woman to have an excessive number of sexual encounters. But I digress. It is common for a woman to settle on celibacy in the effort to maintain the guise of being a “lady”. Fellas do not be alarmed and certainly do not shut down when you hear that your date is choosing to abstain from sex. Don’t allow the conversation to lull, but launch into a preemptive strategy by asking probing questions. 

Honestly speaking, many women will find it challenging to put words to the idea of being celibate. As many are no longer virgins and intermittently succumb to the visceral need for intimacy and sexual satisfaction, many are indeed only passively practicing celibacy. Don’t be afraid to push the conversation past the surface, to truly explore the “plan for celibacy” and discover the length of the journey. It will speak louder than the term itself. 

The Celibacy Plan: What You Should Know Before You Walk Away

How long have you been celibate?
The duration of abstention will expose the level of commitment and the goal. This is an exploratory question that can help ground your emotional rejection to the word celibacy. 

What is the goal of your celibacy?
Knowing if the personalize goal of celibacy is to abstain until marriage or to reduce sexual partners is monumental in framing the direction of a potential relationship.

What prompted your decision to become celibate?
Weighing the decision to abstain from sex is a major decision. However, understanding if that decision was one made of personal guilt because of historical promiscuity versus a sense of sabotaging marriage proposals, is data that can change the trajectory of a potential connection. 

So, think of “celibacy” as the flashing yellow light. It simply says:

Slow down: Get to know me.

Proceed with caution: Establish a healthy connection.


Yield to the right of way: Wait, you can get it!


If you are practicing celibacy and struggle to commit to abstaining from other pleasures in your life, don't become offended when your celibacy is questioned. It's a indicator of interest, a tool of engagement, and a signal to check your lifestyle. Your struggle often speaks louder than your conviction.

 
                                                   Tawanda Scales, MMFT
                                                amkacounseling@gmail.com