Dating is not easy. Let’s agree on that.

It is a complicated clash of time, effort, emotions, mindset, and numerous other factors which when aligned properly yields a fulfilling love relationship. During the weeks, months, and years of courting, there are times when the dynamic that emerges is one of relentless pursuit followed by devastating distancing. It is a challenging relationship fueled by hopes for future commitment and the inner turmoil of “losing” on your investment of time, energy, and money. Callling an end to a relationship such as this one, feels like a loss even when there is a lack of intimacy, passion, and commitment. The vacillating nature of the connection tends to leave more questions than answers and more longing than fulfillment. So, how do you recognize signs that you are simp ly an insignificant piece of a large puzzle?

THE DISTANCER

Driven by being pursued, the Distancer creates the illusion of interest by intermittently drawing on the need for closeness when sensing disinterest from their mate. However, the more they are pursued, they more they need to create distance within the relationship. It is the Distancer that drives relationships to nil by pursuing a loving, affectionate connection and suddenly withdrawing communication or minimizing the emotional connection. The Distancer will create intermittent opportunities for closeness by massaging emotional ties while in pursuit. This Individual will inadvertently set the tone for the relationship by choosing a partner that has an overwhelming need to find security in closeness. There is no mistake that when you have been “chosen” by a Distancer, your portrayal of relating in a love relationship is one of commitment through desperation to “makpe things work”. It is this quality that the Distancer admires and desires as they may be groomed to wait on the return on their investment.

THE PURSUER

Driven by an overwhelming need for closeness, the Pursuer expresses a relentless admiration for their mate. They are grounded in commitment and the desire to generate love and affection through being present. It is a basal need of the Pursuer to understand their mate as they will seek to make the proper adjustments to attract the attention of the Distancer in hopes of gaining traction in the relationship. The Pursuer will generally accept

numerous “folllies” of the Distancer citing the importance of understanding the “Why” that drives their mate. The Pursuer enjoys the emotional high of being “in love”. They share their need for closeness through their understanding and forgiving nature. When the Pursuer is exhausted with the pursuit, they tend to give out before giving up. The Pursuer will typically, internalize their displeasure in the hopes of the turn around of their partner. They tend to find blame with self as to why the Distancer “chooses” to withhold communication or affection. This Individual will rarely find fault with the Distancer. They will ask “Why did I...” questions before posing “Why did they...” questions.

ARE YOU HOOKED?

Do you recognize these challenges in your relationship? Do you find yourself fighting for closeness to only feel pushed away? Could it be that you have established a relationship pattern that mimics the Distancer-Pursuer interaction. The more you pursue the more they will distance, but you cannot walk away. You may be hooked.

This dysfunctional relationship dynamic can be emotionally abusive to the Pursuer. However, it can be empowering for the Distancer. When the Pursuer begins to fall away and create distance, the Distancer will return in pursuit. Since this will temporarily fulfill the need the Pursuer has for closeness, this is the dreaded hook. It is just enough attention and affection to keep the Pursuer engaged and emotionally unstable in the relationship. Notice this “pulling in” is temporary and self-serving. It is certainly not intended to meet the emotional need of the Pursuer, but rather strictly to meet the positional need of the Distancer. It’s the “Don’t go to far, I may need you” syndrome. The Distancer has a subconscious fear of losing the admiration of the Pursuer gives and innately draws on their need for closeness to maintain the connection when it is convenient or profitable.

RELEASE THE HOOK AND RECLAIM YOUR POWER

Step 1: Identify the dysfunctional relational pattern.
Step 2: Explore the devices that draw you back into the relationship.
Step 3: Self-reflect. Is the joy of closness greater than the discomfort of distance?
Step 4: Talk to your partner regarding your role in the interaction and your emotional displeasure.
Step 5: Make a decision together to address the dysfunction or actively change the relationship status.

If you discover that you are hooked, own your contribution to the pattern and make an active decision to change it. You deserve the pleasure found only in the reciprocity of a healthy love.

                                            Tawanda Scales, MMFT

                                         amkacounseling@gmail.com